I Learned To Say No and It Has Changed My Life

Self Improvement

I’ve always been someone who likes to see other people happy, even if it meant compromising my own happiness. This was particularly true during my younger years, where I always wanted to please my family, friends, teachers, managers, coworkers, and the list goes on.

“Can you run this errand for me?” “Yes”, “Can you join this project on a short notice?” “Yes”, “Are you coming to the dinner party tonight? “Yes”, Yes, Yes, Yes…

As I was saying “Yes” to everything, I did not realize that I was actually saying “No” to myself – to my wellbeing, to my rest, to my priorities, to my boundaries, to my progress. I really needed to get some rest those nights I went to the dinner parties, I really had more important things to do those times I agreed to run another person’s errands, I worked nights and nights of overtime to get those “short-notice” projects done on time.

All of this eventually led to burnout, and it suddenly hit me: “Why am I filling everyone’s cup but my own?” It took me all this time to realize that there’s a thin line between being someone people can rely on and someone they can take advantage of.

(Mind you, sometimes we agree to certain things with reluctance, but they are worth our time and effort. It all depends on the context and/or the person on the other side of the story.)

I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down all the incidents I could remember where I agreed to something, when deep down I really did not want to do it:

ContextI said Yes becauseConsequence
Coworker asked me to help them with some data analysis even though my plate was fullI was relatively new to the company and wanted to leave a good impressionI stayed up late that night to finish my own work which I should have done by the end of the work day
My friend insisted on a last-minute dinner outing even though I was exhausted and really wanted to stay inShe seemed like she really wanted someone to hang out with and I wanted to be the “cool friend” who is always up for outings/last-minute plansI really had fun that night, and it was a great way to keep our friendship alive as we bonded over recent experiences and vented to each other
….….….

Looking at that paper, a few of them really deserved that “extra mile”, which I do not regret a single bit. However, most of the instances screamed “you’re a nice person and even though I can do it myself, I want YOU to do it”.

I promised myself that going forward, I will thoroughly assess the situation in my head before giving an answer. I reassured myself that I come first in this equation, and however I decide to respond to these requests, I do not owe an explanation to others. If they are confident to ask for it, why won’t I be confident to respond to it?

Ever since I adopted this mentality, I have been feeling very exhilarated and comfortable with myself as well as with others. Those who genuinely care for me have been very understanding; meanwhile, those who don’t (and never did) have been clearly upset about it.

Have you had a similar experience? How did you deal with it? Let’s brew some tea in the comments below!

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